somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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