its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
