two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
