i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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