i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
