I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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