why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She bit a glass in half.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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