it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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