THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
