k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
