At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
