Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
