one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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