So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
