i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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