To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
