saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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