Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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