I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
