apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
