I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
