My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
