I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.