Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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