I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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