I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
how drunk are you?
Several
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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