so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
