FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
