Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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