he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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