guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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