my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
