Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
