first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
