I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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