Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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