College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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