My room smells like vodka and shame
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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