I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
