He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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