You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize