The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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