Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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