So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
