nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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