South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
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