Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Little spoons don't ask big questions
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
