I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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