you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
