he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
