He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
