paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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