thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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