oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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