This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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