also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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