The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
