Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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