he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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