she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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