I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
