yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
ttyl tear gas
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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