I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
