I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
