i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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