i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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