Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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